What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 03:27
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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He knew the spot.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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Put me off passion for life!!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
How do you have intercourse with a girl who can remember you for a long time?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And i lived it daily.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why is every human messed up in some way?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I don,t even have a pension.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She loved him until the end.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Do women really cheat more than men?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was 9 years of age.
I think the readers, may guess!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She found it foreign!.
She was in good health!
She married twice! .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was seconnd youngest,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I waited trembling.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Would this be the day?
I have no regrets .
This is soul school!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Comes on , in middle age.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We all went to grammer schools
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So whats the point in blame.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ive learnt so much.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We were not on the streets..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was very sick at this time too.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One cannot live in the past .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was scared of men, in general
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I said to her
They are buried together, in the same grave..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So, i spoilt her more .
My family never makes their pension either.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Who then, do I blame.?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I write beautiful poetry .
As i do to all so called friends.?
My life is so biszare .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I will be 64.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But, we were locked up after school.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
What did i know ?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im still living with it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
All the time i was locked up.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She wouldn,t have been !
It was going to be , some day.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
When she asked me how she looked .
But it wasn’t much.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.